I can't think why mothers love them. All babies do is leak at both ends.
Douglas Feaver

Babies haven't any hair;
Old men's heads are just as bare;
Between the cradle and the grave
Lie a haircut and a shave
Samuel Hoffenstein

If you were to open up a baby's head -- and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should -- you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Dave Barry

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.
Kin Hubbard

There is a ''sanctity'' involved with bringing a child into this world: it is better than bombing one out of it.
James Baldwin

Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.
Jean Kerr

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, "What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!"
Stephen Wright

Where do babies come from? Don't bother asking adults. They lie like pigs. However, diligent independent research and hours of playground consultation have yielded fruitful, if tentative, results. There are several theories. Near as we can figure out, it has something to do with acting ridiculous in the dark. We believe it is similar to dogs when they act peculiar and ride each other. This is called "making love". Careful study of popular song lyrics, advertising catch-lines, TV sitcoms, movies, and T-Shirt inscriptions offers us significant clues as to its nature. Apparently it makes grown-ups insipid and insane. Some graffiti was once observed that said 'sex is good'. All available evidence, however, points to the contrary.
Matt Groening